last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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