so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
I can text with my tongue
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
cat food counts as protein by the way
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Randomize
