I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
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just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
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