He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Randomize
