I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize