She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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