there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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