my soul wont recognize me after tonight
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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