he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
