when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
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