No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
