I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
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