Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Randomize
