oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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