I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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