I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
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