Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
Did you read the article making fun of the right wing extremists? How they organized this 'tea party', and to propagate it they would mail teabags to their senators? And it became a verb...they had posters saying 'teabag obama!' yeah...
A message to Mrs Obama perhaps?
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize
