Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
