I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Randomize
