I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
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