I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
