she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
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