I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I have aggressive nipples.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
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