There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Randomize
