You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
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