Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
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