I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
