I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Less talking, more tequila
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
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