Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
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