im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
There's even glitter on my cock...
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