the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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