my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
