my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
