So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
