the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
