my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
