I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
