woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Randomize
