1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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