Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
You left your underwear on the fireplace
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
