HIV tests are more positive than that guy
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
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