my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
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