worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
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