so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Randomize
