I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
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