I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
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