im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Randomize
