If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Is it because I queefed?
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I am one with the molecules
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Randomize
