i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
