Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I'm passing your future prison.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
The air taste purple.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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