go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Randomize
