i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
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