Buhtt sex?
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
