what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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