I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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