the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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