I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Randomize
