shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I said "one day" and that day is not today
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
